


I Believed Her

by phoenixprentiss



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: F/F, Implied Relationships, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2015-10-18
Packaged: 2018-04-27 01:14:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5028019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenixprentiss/pseuds/phoenixprentiss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A little drabble of Emily thinking about her feelings for JJ.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Believed Her

I did not just lose my true love. 

She was taken from me. 

Taken by someone with a heart colder than ice, someone who knew what I felt but thought it was wrong for me to feel it. They thought I wasn’t worthy of her.

It was someone she said she loved. 

Her name? They ask.

Jennifer Jareau, I say.

They know who she is, because I work with her. They know I cannot love her, but that I do anyway. They know nothing can happen, but that I tried anyway. That I wouldn’t stop trying until I couldn’t anymore.

Every therapist says the same thing. I don’t know why I even bother going back to them anymore.

With time, they say, you’ll move on. You’ll remember her for who she is, not because you loved her. They say that it’s healthy to fall in love and that rejection is normal.

No, I will not get over it in time. This isn’t the kind of thing you can just move on from. Jennifer wasn't just another girlfriend. She wasn't just another date that I fooled around with after meeting a couple hours earlier at a bar. 

She said she loved me too, and I believed her. She could have told me anything and I would’ve believed it.

That’s how deep I was.

 

Another day without her.

Another day of nothing but pain.

The therapists also say that remembering can actually help, thought I don’t know how. Why would I want to go back to then if I’d only have to be brought into the hell of today afterwards?

And it takes me back to those hot summer nights, where it was just us laying in bed next to each other with the covers pushed down, only in our underwear because it was too hot to wear anything more, talking about everything and nothing all at once. 

And the other nights where I was insecure about my scars and my body but she told me I was beautiful, that marks didn’t matter. She took my head in her hands and kissed me, and kissed me, and kissed me, and I believed what she said.

I can still hear her words in my head. 

I will never tire of looking at you, Emily. Every time I see you I am struck again and again by how breathtakingly beautiful you are, scars and damage and all. I wouldn’t want any other Emily Prentiss than the one I know today.

I believed it, but did she mean it?

And, to be honest in it all, I never thought any of this would happen.

I thought my light feelings for her were just a small, generic crush.

Then I thought I could just suppress my feelings to the point of them disappearing.

Then I thought maybe, just maybe, we’d be able to make our relationship work.

I also thought we’d be together forever. I thought she was the one.

Maybe she is.

Maybe all this was preventable. It probably was. But we’ll never know, because I made it all happen. Me, entirely me.

So much happened between us, yet at the same time it was almost nothing at all. It was stolen glances and touches that lasted a second too long.

And all the nights I spent pressed up against her bare skin, thinking, this was it it, this was forever.

I love her, so, so much, more than I ever thought I’d ever be able capable of feeling.

But did she?

 

I loved her. I was in love with her. And she let me believe that she felt the same way about me. But when given the chance with someone else, she ran off to them. 

To him.

In the end, that is why I go.


End file.
